Chuck Norris Facts are Played Out
Posted by magflare on January 31, 2008
As if you didn’t already know that.
Instead of using bizarre lies to elevate our elderly martial artists to the status of gods, let us instead use mundane yet hurtful lies to tear them down! Some examples:
- Steven Seagal once ran over a kitten on the way to the laundromat. He didn’t stop or anything, but he felt kind of bad about it later.
- When Steven Seagal needs money, he goes to an ATM, gets money out of it, stares – tight-lipped and sullen – at his bank statement, then goes home and hits his wife.
- Steven Seagal once leaned under the sneeze shield at a Golden Corral to get at the Thousand Island dressing and sneezed directly into the beets.
- Steven Seagal has a blocked tear duct and has been putting off making a doctor’s appointment about it even though he’s pretty sure it’s infected.
- Shortly after the release of Under Siege, a 12-year-old fan approached Steven Seagal and asked for his autograph. Steven Seagal pretended not to hear him and walked away. That boy grew up to be a dissatisfied, lonely teenager who spent a lot of time thinking about suicide.
- Steven Seagal experiences a guilty thrill of pleasure whenever he changes lanes without signaling.
- Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal once got into a fight over who was the better martial artist. Steven Seagal said some things he wasn’t proud of and had trouble getting to sleep for a couple of days afterwards.
- Steven Seagal once went on a date with Farrah Fawcett and spent the entire night trying to turn the conversation toward himself. She eventually made an excuse and left early.
- With the recent increases in gas prices, Steven Seagal is starting to consider using public transportation more often, but he’d prefer not to because he’s sort of afraid of homeless people.
- Steven Seagal isn’t very good at math, and harbors a secret envious resentment toward those who are.
- Steven Seagal once feigned a back injury so he could avoid going to his daughter’s graduation.
(Please note that I harbor no ill will toward Steven Seagal, and that these are all, so far as I know, fictional. There we go. That ought to cover any possible libel suits if, you know, Seagal reads my blog in between delivering vicious drop-kicks to terrorists.)
